We are all raised in different environments, with different family and home lives, and taught different values. At the same time, however, one value that seems to be nearly universal is the importance of gratitude.
As children, we are taught to clean our plates. We're taught to be thankful for the opportunity to be dragged to school and doctor's appointments. After all, having adequate food/ water/ shelter/ education/ healthcare makes one incredibly fortunate, and the average American (myself included) has a great great deal for which to be thankful.
I want to make this clear: I have been tremendously, overwhelming blessed, and I am grateful for the many good things in my life. And I wholeheartedly believe that we should teach children (and many adults too for that matter) to cherish and to appreciate the good things that they have.
All that being said, I hate, absolutely despise, the expression, "Count your blessings."
Before I'm accused of being radically inconsistent, allow me to clarify. I hate the phrase, "count your blessings," and the philosophy accompanying it because, at their core, they make certain assumptions not only about how people should live, but also about how they should feel.
Think for a moment. What inspires a person to instruct someone else to count their blessings? Odds are the person being chastised is unhappy about some aspect of his/ her life. Perhaps the individual dared to express their dissatisfaction with a colleague, friend, or family member. And rather than actually taking the time to understand the person and seeking to relieve the suffering, the friend fires off some trite, dismissive cliche.
In the modern world, I would really like to believe that we are enlightened enough about mental illness to realize that the worst thing you can tell a suffering person is "What do you have to be depressed about?" I would like to propose that the second worse thing that you can tell a person who is hurting is to "count their blessings."
At their core, both phrases are the same. Both phrases jump to conclusions about a person, both phrases believe that, once you know a few basic details about a person like their style of living, you can effectively evaluate to what extent someone has the "right" to be unhappy or to feel depressed. Maybe we should develop a "count your blessings" calculator. Punch a few buttons and answer a question or two about life style to gauge if you have the moral right to be unhappy.
The reality of the situation is that people are unhappy and depressed for a litany of reasons that no one person can fully comprehend. Oftentimes, as is the case with mental illness, the "sources" of one's unhappiness are not understood or appreciated by the judging party. And so, for fear of being judged or criticized for their "ungrateful" nature, these people suffer in silence.
I've been wanting to write about this topic for a while, but today I was reminded of this issue after a meeting with a client. This client expressed that she never let herself be unhappy because of her strong faith. I respect faith and believe that it can serve as a powerful resource in people's lives. Even wonderful things like faith and its teachings on gratitude, however, can be horrifically distorted if we teach people that they don't have a right to be angry, sad, or frustrated because their life circumstances are not difficult enough to warrant those emotions.
If anyone is still reading, I'm sure there may be a reader or two who is scoffing at my choice of topic. All this fluffy theoretical talk about feelings from the bleeding heart social worker; too bad it has no real relevance or significance in the real world. How could any of this talk about feelings and catchphrases possibly matter?
In a word, stigma. No matter how many years pass, no matter how much medical or the social sciences advance, there remains a huge stigma surrounding mental illness, surrounding those most innermost thoughts and feelings that pop up in our heads. Gratitude, when taught in the right context, can be a fine thing. However, teachings on the importance of gratitude often carry with them a sense of shame and guilt associated with negative emotions like anger, frustration and depression. After all, if you were truly counting your blessings, if you were truly following God and being thankful, you couldn't possibly feel anything negative, you could never be that depressed.
Its the religious aspect of this teaching that particularly offends me. Anyone who is actually familiar with the Christian faith will note that Jesus spent far more time listening to people's stories and bringing healing than he did criticizing them for their despair. If the church could do the same, if it could rise above its incredibly primitive understanding of mental health issues, it could promote serious change and healing in its own ranks and beyond.
I would like to end this post on a more positive note.
Prominent American evangelist Rick Warren tragically lost his son to suicide over a year ago. Rather than wondering how someone with a good life and upbringing could do something so drastic, Rick Warren understands that mental illness is a real and pervasive problem. And he's decided to do something about it. Rick Warren has and continues to work to promote mental health education among pastors, priests and other religious officials. Like many hard working individuals in human service fields, he's found a way to use his own pain, his own most personal and difficult trials, to help and inspire others. I can only hope more people, in all communities, secular and sacred, learn to follow that example. If so, maybe I will just have one more blessing to count.
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