What else would I be doing today?

"Well hello there, reader. How was your day? Not so good? Oh, well I'm sorry to hear that. You know what, why don't you just grab a seat on the coach, kick your feet up and relax for a bit. I'll handle dinner and the kids. I mean, after all, its Valentine's Day, and I have a very hot date planned for your mind. Prepare to be enlightened and challenged to once again view the world in a whole new way."

"What's that? I'm not amusing you? Well, I'm sorry, but its Valentine's Day and I was just trying to keep things fresh. I really don't know what makes you happy anymore. I mean, every year I have to try to come up with something special for you that doesn't seem insincere or contrived. Do you have any idea how difficult it is not to repeat the same bland comedic rants when society expects me to automatically be inspired, funny and creative on the exact same day every year? What if I'm busy or just a little tired that day? What if my truly inspirational ideas and greatest comedic wit came on February 13th or 15th? But alas, you wouldn't care, would you? I'm forever to be judged by my comedic talents on February 14th alone. I mean, I know your friends wouldn't look at me the same way if I failed you today, but give me a break, I'm really trying here. You know what? That's it. We're through. The relationship between author and reader

meant so much to me, but alas, you simply can't be pleased today."

"At least I'm faithful to you. I saw you spending time on that other humor blog yesterday."

Fortunately (unfortunately?) for you, I know that I owe it to my readers to take on this burden and once again write a fantastically scathing criticism of Valentine's Day. My past work has built up an expectation, and my professional commitment to our relationship demands that I continue the work I have started. So here we go, another description of why Valentine's Day is a corporate lie, brought to you in list form with humorous pictures in case you start to get a little depressed.

1. Valentine's Day sucks for singles and widowers.

I know at this point what you're probably thinking. "Oh, but Chris, you tipped your hand with some of your previous entries. I know that you're a bitter single guy, and that's the only reason you hate Valentine's Day." Fine, lets examine this idea of bitterness for a bit. I think many people, myself included, get annoyed by a day devoted solely to perpetuating false stereotypes of love while subconsciously telling single people that there is something wrong with them. Just look at some of the comments I've found online...

"Happy commercialized love day!"

"Sigh...no date on V-day. Oh well, I still have Imgur, right?"

"We're not alone as long as we have each other guys. Sigh...back to my peanut butter sandwich."

"Gets back together on the 15th *avoids wasting money on a stupid holiday."

My point is that many people are biased both for and against Valentine's Day, and that people have both good and terrible reasons for holding those opinions. And honestly, even though its hardly a foolproof argument, the fact that we call Valentine's Day a holiday even though it bothers so many single people (and some people in relationships too) seems off to me. So, you can either immediately dismiss me because I'm biased *shudder*, or you can stop criticizing and actually listen to what I have to say. But of course you always have to have the last word, and no matter what I do for you I'm the bad guy. Isn't that right, reader? And you're just so controlling and judgmental. But alas, today is Valentine's Day, so its important that I pretend to cherish our relationship even though I know that we're both secretly dead inside. *sigh* Onward and forward then.

2. Valentine's Day is contrived and it creates unhealthy expectations of love and romance.

Quick visual exercise. What do you think of when you hear the words, "Valentine's Day?" I'm sure all kinds of wonderfully sweet words come to mind, "chocolate" and "roses," "love" and marriage," "long walks on the beach" and "romantic comedies."

Ah yes, the romantic comedy. Perhaps there is no better symbol for Valentine's Day than you. The romantic comedy teaches us all of the important Valentine's Day values, like following your heart, rejecting any relationship that is not perfect all of the time, and, my personal favorite, the love-always-equals-warm-and-fuzzy-feelings philosophy.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Romantic comedies are great. Think of how many more marriages could have been tragically saved if a piece of contrived Hollywood crap didn't tell couples to walk away the second they face a challenge?

Do you think I exaggerate? Well, yes, but I still have a point. I could cite numbers about how our perceptions of relationships is changing, highlighted by a spike in divorces, but numbers are boring. An example that I found to be far more interesting was an online conversation between some friends on Facebook. Well, actually, only one of them was a friend, which meant that I could view but not comment on the feed. It was a rough day. Why do you taunt me Facebook?

Anyway, the conversation was between a guy and a girl, and they were discussing who was at greater fault in some romantic comedy, the male lead or the female lead. My reaction to this conversation was a unique mix of amusement and horror. Please, please tell me that we're not taking Hollywood romances seriously enough to actually debate them? Please?

Don't get me wrong; I can understand why people want to take romantic comedies seriously. Especially women. For all intents and purposes, romantic comedies are porn for women. That's right, I just said that. Now take a minute to think about it. Romantic comedies teach people that they are perfect just as they are, and that if they just continue to always be their awesome and perfect self, then someone else awesome and perfect will instantly fall in love with them and together they will create an awesome and perfect life together. There are no real fights, passionless spells, or serious challenges in romantic comedies. Romantic comedies, by continually reinforcing the knight in shining armor ideal and promising women everywhere that their romantic lives will one day be perfect, create an image of relationships just as unrealistic and destructive as any naive teenage guy would get from watching porn.

In my opinion, Valentine's Day only furthers the negative romantic comedy stereotypes, and I refuse to embrace anything that deceives and hurts people by creating unrealistic expectations for relationships.

3. Valentine's Day is artificial.

"Wow, Chris, you are bitter. Some girl must have destroyed you in the past for you to have such a negative view of relationships" I can certainly understand that I come off like that, but I disagree on both counts. I may be a pessimistic person, but I don't have a negative view of all relationships. I know and respect tons of couples who truly love and are committed to each other, people who would never need a contrived "holiday" to remind each other of their love.

My problem isn't that I'm bitter (or at least its not my only problem), my problem is that I hold love and relationships to a higher standard. There is nothing creative, self-sacrificing or meaningful in you doing something for your significant other on a day where you are pretty much required to do something. Valentine's Day is like the government donating some of your tax dollars to charity. Sure, you may claim that your actions prove that you love the poor children or whales, but you didn't really have a choice in the matter. Your actions simply maintain your social respectability, nothing more, nothing less.

All that Valentine's Day does is breed discontentment. Discontentment among men who resent being obligated to make a romantic gesture, and resentment among women who equate the men's lack of creativity with him not loving her. But true love is so much greater than this. True love is committal and self-sacrificing; true love involves doing something romantic because you genuinely want to, not because you want something physical in return or because society will frown upon you if you don't.

And yeah, I have plenty of lesser and petty reasons for hating Valentine's Day, like the fact that I'm single and that I resent the consumerism that it promotes, but ultimately, the hollow and artificial nature of the day condemns it for much greater reasons.

So there you have it, reader, another Valentine's Day rant served up fresh and exciting for your own enlightenment and entertainment. Maybe now you can finally accept me for who I am, and not hold me to such ridiculous standards every Valentine's Day. Oh, what's that? I never will do enough for you, the reader, we're in a sham relationship and the only reason we're still together is because I need someone to read my words and you don't want to pay for content that's actually funny or meaningful? Fair enough; I'd expect nothing better on Valentine's Day.

*Author's note- special thanks to Tim for helping me compile these images. The mock Valentine's Day cards are fantastic.

Maybe Someday I'll Know Enough to Know I Don't Know it all...

Once again, readers, I'm back to discuss a more serious topic that plagues me at this late hour. Don't worry, I'll try not to make detailing my serious life lessons a habit, and I suspect that I can manage to pull something meaningful and humorous about what I'm about to write.

In a lot of ways, my time at my current college has been surprising. Suffice it to say, I attend a small, conservative Christian college that's values in many ways seemed to reflect my own. Yet my time here has taught me that this is not necessarily the case. Don't get me wrong; honest discussion and disagreement can be fantastic, and civil discourse can help everyone understand where the other side is coming from.

"Nah, I'd rather keep dehumanizing everyone who disagrees with me."

As great as honest, free and civil discussion can be, however, there comes a point where continual disagreement can become discouraging. Its ironic that I'm overwhelmed with disagreement and aggravation at a college I suspected would be too harmonious. On many issues that are important to me, like theology and politics, I find myself struggling to find any common ground with even my closest of friends.

"What did I tell you about getting drunk and screaming about Ron Paul, Jeremy?"

Now I specify that I disagree about these topics with my friends because these are personal matters that I don't discuss with everyone. Unfortunately, many of my college's culture ideals also stand in stark contrast to my personal beliefs, which only furthers my sense of alienation here. Now, you may be inclined to laugh at or dismiss the aspects of this college's culture that bother me, but just hear (or would it be "read" in this case) me out.

1. Tobacco use is incredibly prevalent at my college.

Its perfectly fair for you to want to immediately dismiss my first point. After all, young people everywhere smoke, and how does that affect me? And who do I think I am trying to dictate how other people choose to live their lives? I mean, seriously, its clear at this point that I need to get off my high horse.

First, I don't write this to morally condemn people who choose to smoke. I have many wonderful friends who choose to use tobacco in one manner or another, and that is entirely their life choice. Period. I don't think colleges should outright ban tobacco use. But when I get into serious arguments with the smokers who say that it is a violation of their personal rights for the school to enact a ban against smoking within 15 feet of buildings, I can't help but be a little offended. I know you have rights, but do my rights as a non-smoker who doesn't want to breathe in your poison mean nothing?

"Nah, I'm sure this stuff is harmless."

And again, I realize that I can come off as judgmental and holier-than-thou, but this really isn't my intention. I've lost two family members who I love very much to lung cancer, one as a direct result of a lifetime of cigarette use. I hate tobacco companies, and believe that they are staffed by manipulative bastards who prey on young people by selling them addictive carcinogens. Am I biased? Obviously, but I still can't understand how someone can choose to do this to themselves after all the research that has been released connecting tobacco use to serious health problems. Of course, this isn't the only thing I can't understand about my college...

2. Frat culture is overwhelmingly prevalent at my college

This one may come as a surprise to a lot of you, especially the younger readers. And once again, I'm going to approach this topic as carefully as I can in the least judgmental manner possible.

First, everyone can choose how to live their own lives. Its not my business if you want to drink or party or whatever. Everyone who knows me realizes that I certainly like a good drink as much as anyone.

That being said, its the culture and mindset of fraternities that really bothers me. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I don't like leader figures hoarding natural desires like social acceptability over the heads of young impressionable freshmen. Maybe I exaggerate, but lets think about this, how many students would honestly go through all of the embarrassing, humiliating and degrading nonsense that frats require if they weren't desperate to achieve popularity and fun?

"Mhmhmh...I know I would."

This isn't even to mention the studies that have shown that frats encourage harmful lifestyles, like alcohol abuse and reckless behavior (and did we really need a study to tell us any of these things?!?!) Now I'll admit that most of the frats at my college are harmless, and that I'm a bit uptight and probably upset that I'm not having as much fun as they are, but any word that condones behavior like this should not be used to describe peer groups at my college. Just my opinion.

3. The political justifications they used to explain their beliefs

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about my debates with other students here is that we can't even agree that we have the same fundamental ideas or motives. At this college, many of the people that I've run into put such a strong emphasis on personal rights and liberty that all other logic seems to be thrown out the window. These are the libertarians/ radical conservatives who would argue against laws requiring hospitals to treat dying patients who can't afford to pay their medical bills. These are the people who vehemently argue against smoking restrictions, as my right to breathe clean air is apparently less important than the smoker's convenience. Frats should exist not because they are good or even harmless, but because students have a right to form them.

It is at this point that we have to, once again, call off these frustrated debacles we call arguments. If we can't even agree that human "rights" should be limited sometimes to ensure greater societal good and justice, then how can we hope to ever understand each other or come to agree about anything?

Alright, it is now 3:30 AM. Writing this tonight was probably a bad decision, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm the only sane person here. I guess I've always been a man of strong opinions and convictions, but I can't understand how anyone could see the world differently than me on these issues.

It is at this point that I'm forced to hope that even though I still can't fully understand why other people think the way that they do, perhaps each day I can develop a greater respect and appreciation for their convictions. I know that I don't know everything, and I realize the fact that sometimes I think that I do is simply a testament to my own youth and immaturity.

Unfortunately, issues of policy and theology, freedom and justice go beyond clean intellectual, emotionless discussion. Rather, they impact my unique vision of how I believe the world should be. They drive me to fight for change in areas where many of my friends simply wouldn't agree with me. To them, I'm too bitter and opinionated, but from my own perspective, I wonder how anyone could tolerate all of these "problems" (from my perspective) when there clearly must be better alternatives. Nevertheless, I realize that I need to speak less and be more civil when I do. Oh well, maybe someday I'll know enough to know I don't know everything.

Side Note: This blog is used to express my opinions in a humorous and often outlandish fashion. No matter how civil I become, my humorous (hopefully) rants on this blog will not change. Look forward to this year's annual Valentine's Day entry. Bahahaha.