What else would I be doing today?

"Well hello there, reader. How was your day? Not so good? Oh, well I'm sorry to hear that. You know what, why don't you just grab a seat on the coach, kick your feet up and relax for a bit. I'll handle dinner and the kids. I mean, after all, its Valentine's Day, and I have a very hot date planned for your mind. Prepare to be enlightened and challenged to once again view the world in a whole new way."

"What's that? I'm not amusing you? Well, I'm sorry, but its Valentine's Day and I was just trying to keep things fresh. I really don't know what makes you happy anymore. I mean, every year I have to try to come up with something special for you that doesn't seem insincere or contrived. Do you have any idea how difficult it is not to repeat the same bland comedic rants when society expects me to automatically be inspired, funny and creative on the exact same day every year? What if I'm busy or just a little tired that day? What if my truly inspirational ideas and greatest comedic wit came on February 13th or 15th? But alas, you wouldn't care, would you? I'm forever to be judged by my comedic talents on February 14th alone. I mean, I know your friends wouldn't look at me the same way if I failed you today, but give me a break, I'm really trying here. You know what? That's it. We're through. The relationship between author and reader

meant so much to me, but alas, you simply can't be pleased today."

"At least I'm faithful to you. I saw you spending time on that other humor blog yesterday."

Fortunately (unfortunately?) for you, I know that I owe it to my readers to take on this burden and once again write a fantastically scathing criticism of Valentine's Day. My past work has built up an expectation, and my professional commitment to our relationship demands that I continue the work I have started. So here we go, another description of why Valentine's Day is a corporate lie, brought to you in list form with humorous pictures in case you start to get a little depressed.

1. Valentine's Day sucks for singles and widowers.

I know at this point what you're probably thinking. "Oh, but Chris, you tipped your hand with some of your previous entries. I know that you're a bitter single guy, and that's the only reason you hate Valentine's Day." Fine, lets examine this idea of bitterness for a bit. I think many people, myself included, get annoyed by a day devoted solely to perpetuating false stereotypes of love while subconsciously telling single people that there is something wrong with them. Just look at some of the comments I've found online...

"Happy commercialized love day!"

"Sigh...no date on V-day. Oh well, I still have Imgur, right?"

"We're not alone as long as we have each other guys. Sigh...back to my peanut butter sandwich."

"Gets back together on the 15th *avoids wasting money on a stupid holiday."

My point is that many people are biased both for and against Valentine's Day, and that people have both good and terrible reasons for holding those opinions. And honestly, even though its hardly a foolproof argument, the fact that we call Valentine's Day a holiday even though it bothers so many single people (and some people in relationships too) seems off to me. So, you can either immediately dismiss me because I'm biased *shudder*, or you can stop criticizing and actually listen to what I have to say. But of course you always have to have the last word, and no matter what I do for you I'm the bad guy. Isn't that right, reader? And you're just so controlling and judgmental. But alas, today is Valentine's Day, so its important that I pretend to cherish our relationship even though I know that we're both secretly dead inside. *sigh* Onward and forward then.

2. Valentine's Day is contrived and it creates unhealthy expectations of love and romance.

Quick visual exercise. What do you think of when you hear the words, "Valentine's Day?" I'm sure all kinds of wonderfully sweet words come to mind, "chocolate" and "roses," "love" and marriage," "long walks on the beach" and "romantic comedies."

Ah yes, the romantic comedy. Perhaps there is no better symbol for Valentine's Day than you. The romantic comedy teaches us all of the important Valentine's Day values, like following your heart, rejecting any relationship that is not perfect all of the time, and, my personal favorite, the love-always-equals-warm-and-fuzzy-feelings philosophy.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Romantic comedies are great. Think of how many more marriages could have been tragically saved if a piece of contrived Hollywood crap didn't tell couples to walk away the second they face a challenge?

Do you think I exaggerate? Well, yes, but I still have a point. I could cite numbers about how our perceptions of relationships is changing, highlighted by a spike in divorces, but numbers are boring. An example that I found to be far more interesting was an online conversation between some friends on Facebook. Well, actually, only one of them was a friend, which meant that I could view but not comment on the feed. It was a rough day. Why do you taunt me Facebook?

Anyway, the conversation was between a guy and a girl, and they were discussing who was at greater fault in some romantic comedy, the male lead or the female lead. My reaction to this conversation was a unique mix of amusement and horror. Please, please tell me that we're not taking Hollywood romances seriously enough to actually debate them? Please?

Don't get me wrong; I can understand why people want to take romantic comedies seriously. Especially women. For all intents and purposes, romantic comedies are porn for women. That's right, I just said that. Now take a minute to think about it. Romantic comedies teach people that they are perfect just as they are, and that if they just continue to always be their awesome and perfect self, then someone else awesome and perfect will instantly fall in love with them and together they will create an awesome and perfect life together. There are no real fights, passionless spells, or serious challenges in romantic comedies. Romantic comedies, by continually reinforcing the knight in shining armor ideal and promising women everywhere that their romantic lives will one day be perfect, create an image of relationships just as unrealistic and destructive as any naive teenage guy would get from watching porn.

In my opinion, Valentine's Day only furthers the negative romantic comedy stereotypes, and I refuse to embrace anything that deceives and hurts people by creating unrealistic expectations for relationships.

3. Valentine's Day is artificial.

"Wow, Chris, you are bitter. Some girl must have destroyed you in the past for you to have such a negative view of relationships" I can certainly understand that I come off like that, but I disagree on both counts. I may be a pessimistic person, but I don't have a negative view of all relationships. I know and respect tons of couples who truly love and are committed to each other, people who would never need a contrived "holiday" to remind each other of their love.

My problem isn't that I'm bitter (or at least its not my only problem), my problem is that I hold love and relationships to a higher standard. There is nothing creative, self-sacrificing or meaningful in you doing something for your significant other on a day where you are pretty much required to do something. Valentine's Day is like the government donating some of your tax dollars to charity. Sure, you may claim that your actions prove that you love the poor children or whales, but you didn't really have a choice in the matter. Your actions simply maintain your social respectability, nothing more, nothing less.

All that Valentine's Day does is breed discontentment. Discontentment among men who resent being obligated to make a romantic gesture, and resentment among women who equate the men's lack of creativity with him not loving her. But true love is so much greater than this. True love is committal and self-sacrificing; true love involves doing something romantic because you genuinely want to, not because you want something physical in return or because society will frown upon you if you don't.

And yeah, I have plenty of lesser and petty reasons for hating Valentine's Day, like the fact that I'm single and that I resent the consumerism that it promotes, but ultimately, the hollow and artificial nature of the day condemns it for much greater reasons.

So there you have it, reader, another Valentine's Day rant served up fresh and exciting for your own enlightenment and entertainment. Maybe now you can finally accept me for who I am, and not hold me to such ridiculous standards every Valentine's Day. Oh, what's that? I never will do enough for you, the reader, we're in a sham relationship and the only reason we're still together is because I need someone to read my words and you don't want to pay for content that's actually funny or meaningful? Fair enough; I'd expect nothing better on Valentine's Day.

*Author's note- special thanks to Tim for helping me compile these images. The mock Valentine's Day cards are fantastic.