So here it is at last, Valentine's day. A day of love...or so they want us to think. The reality is that the only sound louder than the moans of those poor single fools in therapy today are the expletives being issued from millions of guy's mouths who forgot what today was and are now destined to spend their next Valentine's alone as a result (It's not too late, a Yahoo search for "last minute valentine gifts" only brought up about 24 million results). So where did all this chaos originate?
According to history.com, Valentine's day was another example of a pagan holiday (with some very interesting and not-so-loving practices) that the church tried to Christianize, naming February 14th St. Valentine's Day. We all realize, of course, how much a day designed to honor a martyred saint who illegally married young couples in ancient Rome has to do with the commercial farce of today (180 million roses, 36 million boxes of chocolate sold, and how much brought in annually? Almost 14 billion? I'm sorry; how much?) The answer of course is that they have practically nothing to do with each other. If anything, Saint Valentine would probably be a little upset to see his day (like Christmas and Easter) not only tainted, but completely saturated in the poison of consumerism.
But getting to my main point, do we even need a Valentine's Day? Last time I checked, the only two saints' days non-Catholics observe are Valentine's and Patrick's. And no offense to St. Patrick, because he was pretty awesome, but the only reason non-Catholics even celebrate his day is so they have an excuse to dress in green and get tanked like Irishmen. So as petty as it is, there would appear to be a benefit to celebrating St. Patrick's Day. But what about Valentine's Day? Valentine's Day now is nothing more than a way for couples to buy their way out of the guilt that comes from neglecting each other the other 364 days of the year. Of course, Hallmark, Russel Stover's, and countless jewelry stores are all the more happy to oblige, for a premium fee.
Don't believe me? Just listen to JC Penney, that reminds us guys to not "be left in the doghouse" this Valentine's Day. The ad proceeds to display a $114.99 piece of jewelry that will apparently save us from previously mentioned fate. What if I only had a hundred dollars to spend, JC Penney? What then? This whole situation reminds me of that old Christmas story where the husband sells his watch to buy his wife combs and she sells her hair to buy him a watch chain. Besides being incredibly ironic in a cruel way, how else would this story have ended had JC Penney got her hands on it? I'm thinking murder, or at least a bitter divorce that forever scars their many children and drives them to become serial killers (so still murder, just second generation).
So here's my Valentine's Day thought. How about couples actually learn to appreciate each other year round, thus voiding the need for a day that just makes single people or people who have lost their significant others feel like crap. Is that such a radical idea?
And while we're at it, how about we add South Korea's singles day, Black Day, to our calender of celebrated events. I figure that the pasta business, like flowers and chocolate, could use a little help. After all, it is one of the few businesses in America that is not being thrown millions of tax dollars by our new president. Where's the stimulus package for my spaghetti?
There are a two good things to Valentine's Day, though:
1. Discount chocolate in the following days.
2. I'm definitely saving up and buying a florist's shop. $120 flowers? I thought extortion was illegal.
For more Valentine's fun, check out Cracked's take on the day.
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